The Power of Maybe

Kids hurt each other’s feelings. It’s part of the deal. Owning those mistakes, though, is hard since kids are not pros at taking responsibility...yet. Carol Dweck has done a lot of work on growth mindset and the power of “yet,” but in lower elementary school classrooms, facilitating the personal growth that comes with admitting when you hurt someone is near impossible at times. After all, kids of every age are very well-versed in the age-old strategy of deny, deny, deny.

Enter: The Power of “Maybe.” As I was facilitating (another) restorative conversation between two kindergarteners, I realized the fright-bordering-on-terror that one of the students was feeling. He had hit his friend. The teacher saw. His friend cried. Open and shut case. Still, he denied, denied, denied. As his friend was telling him how he felt--a significant part of restorative justice--the fright and embarrassment prevented him from hearing it. There was no restoration happening.

Instead of trying to get him to own what, in the grand scheme of things, is a small mistake by getting him to see the either-or, black-or-white of his kickball transgression, I opted for the gray middle ground--the word “maybe.”

Was it possible that maybe he got frustrated during the game? And maybe his feelings got so big that he used his body in a way that he maybe wasn’t supposed to? And maybe that’s why his friend is so upset now? The answer to all of these questions was yes, yes, yes. And from there, he was able to share how he was feeling while Kickballgate 2020 was going on and, more importantly, how his friend was feeling as a result.

Did he explicitly own his mistake? Maybe not. Did his maybe-admission have the same effect as a real one and allow the two to repair the damage? Yes. It was just translated a bit differently.

We are always looking for kids to understand right and wrong, but when we try to get them to approach personal responsibility from the same either-or perspective, it is intimidating; it impedes listening and understanding, and as a result, growing.

Maybe, though, we can use a word plucked from the gray area of Taking Responsibility and soften the blow for kids. After all, “yes” or “no” is not the goal. Growth is.